from now on my penis is your penis
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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