I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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