youre lurking in front of me
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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