that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
