what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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