remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
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