The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
and she was petting her beer can
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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