anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
