So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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