I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He passed out mid-signature
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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