You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
