Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Dick very happy bro
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
