I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
