If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
