Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
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