There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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