he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize