Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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