I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
