i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
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