My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Randomize
