i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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