I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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