just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
i think im in europe. pls send help
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
