Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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