i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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