Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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