his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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