miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
