I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
you had me at cake vodka
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Randomize
