stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Randomize
