I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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