You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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