Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
