I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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