Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
