I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Randomize
