life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Randomize
