Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
