The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
