new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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