Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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