I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
