So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
