So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
