I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
