there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize