he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
farters have to be the big spoon...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
