He uses pillows to masturbate.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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