She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
