taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
