I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
