He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
