rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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