how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
