if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
FUCK WHALES
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
