i barfeds in our rink
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Randomize
