I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I want a musical about memes.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
