Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
