Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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