C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
